Chronicles of Gar

The Wizard of Gar

by Ugavine

Loosely based on the Published Dungeons & Dragons adventure

'The Land Beyond the Magic Mirror' by Gary Gygax

and the MGM movie 'The Wizard of Oz'

Viper awoke, handcuffed to her bed, in Time Bandit HQ.  Her head throbbed from her alcohol experiments the previous night.  Her body ached in places that made her smile.  For a few minutes she lay there with an inane grin on her face.  An image of a tall dark handsome man formed in her dreams, a though that was shattered by the dread though, "Urgh! I hope it wasn't the Phenom!"  Opening her eyes Viper found her room booby-trapped.  Strings criss-crossed her room.  If she triggered the wrong one the bomb would go off.  Viper grinned and started pulling strings until her room shuddered from the explosion, but it wasn't in her room.  Well it makes sense to blow up someone else's room.  Suddenly a new sensation hit the pink haired punk, "I have to pee."   Viper grabbed a vibro-saw from her bedside table and freed herself from the handcuffs.  She couldn't use her own bathroom because of last weeks experiment involving the toilet and a grenade.  The Bath was out as it was being used to mix a new more potent explosive.  The sink was out too, Viper remembered the last time she tried to pee in the sink, she fell off, hit her and missed breakfast.  It was the communal bathroom down the corridor then.

Viper was about to step off her bed when she noticed something out of the normal.  Was it the dirty clothes scattered about the place?  No.  The hap-hazard way that explosives with the marking 'Warning: Handle with Care' were precariously balanced in the corner?  No.  It wasn't even her dirty knickers hanging from her framed picture of the A-Bomb.  The floor.  The floor was covered with newspaper, with a bulge her and there.  Then it hit her.  Last night, in her drunken state she had mined her room!  "Damn!" Viper thought.  With extreme care, and crossed legs, Viper tip-toed towards the door.  Click!!!  "Oh f....!!!" Viper dived to the door as one  of the mines exploded.  

Meanwhile, down the corridor, Jakk and Pollok, two petty thief's had pulled their repulsorcar alongside an open window of the building and climbed in.

"Are you sure this isn't the Time Bandits place?" asked Pollok.

"Sure," said Jakk, "That place is a couple of blocks over."

"Good," said Pollok looking about cautiously.  "It's just that I've heard a lot of strange things from them 'Bandits.  I saw one of them the other day, doing the shopping.  Must have been eight feet tall, blue skin, and a skull face.  Very nasty."

"Relax.  There'll be no trouble here," assured Jakk, then patting the large gun in his hands replied, "besides, we have these."

Viper picked herself up, her pink hair slightly singed.

"VIPER!"  Screamed out a vicious voice.  Viper looked down the corridor to see the half human, half Xenomorph Ripley marching towards her.  "You blew up my room!"  Viper just stood there legs crossed in nothing but her undies and penguin nightshirt.  Ripley grabbed hold of Viper.  "WELL!!!"

Viper looked up at Ripley and giggled, "I gotta' pee."  Ripley growled.  

"Hey," said Viper shrugging off the alien, "It's not my fault.  I went drinking with Jake the Snake and Oliver Reed.  I was pissed.  I meant to blow up the Phenom's room."

"The Phenom is in his castle in Purgatory."

"Yes, I know that now.  But I didn't know that last night when I was pissed," snapped back Viper.  "Oh, and another thing."

"What?!"

"I really have gotta pee."

As the two argued Jakk and Pollok rounded the corner.  Viper, ignored them, but started in their direction, the direction of the bathroom, with Ripley close behind.

"Blast 'em!" shouted Jakk.  Pollok raised his gun but Viper was already on top of him.  Viper snatched the gun from the thief and hit him hard in the face with the butt of the weapon.  Pollok fell to the ground with a thud.  Jakk shot towards Ripley, but missed, a pink sludge of bubble-gum hitting the wall behind her.  Viper looked at the weapon now in her hand, "Bubble-gum gun, cool."  Viper broke into a run towards the bathroom leaving Ripley to deal with Jakk.  The 'Bandit was not so lucky, Jakk, with more luck than skill hit the half alien woman pinning her to the wall in a mass of bubble-gum.

With gun in hand, panites around her ankles, Viper sat in the cubicle relieved at last.  She picked up a spray can to add to the already much graffitied wall.  "PheNom HAS A sMAll ..." suddenly the cubicle door flung open, kicked in by Jakk.

"Do you mind?!" screamed Viper, "I am trying to PEE!"  With that she shot Jakk with bubble-gum gun she took from Pollok.  Jakk was stuck to the floor.  Viper walked over to Jakk, did a little knickers-less dance, then punched out the thief.  Pulling up her undies Viper freshened up. 

"Viper is a loser!" called her reflection in the bathroom mirror.

"Piss off!"

Vipers reflection continued to tease her by pulling face and bobbing out her tongue.  "Will you shut up?" said Viper. 

"Make me," retorted her reflection clenching her fists and shadow-boxing.  "Oh, I am so bad.  I'm gonna' hit you so hard your children will be born bruised."  Viper retaliated and the verbal assault went on between Viper and her reflection for several minutes.  Eventually Viper lost her temper and punched the mirror.  Viper then realised she had punched into the mirror, it's surface rippling as she did.  Her reflection grabbed her by the wrist and Viper met her own gaze.  "Oh f......!!!" called Viper as she was dragged into the mirror.

Ripley arrived, still sticky, in the bathroom several minutes alter after freeing herself from the bubble-gum.  "Where is she now?" Ripley thought to herself. 

"She's gone, loser, so why don't you?!" called out Ripley's reflection.  Ripley turned to the mirror.  Unlike Viper, and Bossko, Ripley knew that mirrors didn't talk.  Ripley looked around, just in case it was one of Bossko B's jokes, only to be continuously taunted by her reflection.  Already angered by being woken up by being blown up, followed by getting covered in bubble-gum, Ripley simply turned to smash the mirror.  To Ripleys surprise she is sucked into another world.

For Trish, it's party night.  Arranged to meet up with Tanya and Britney, Trish adds the finishing touches to her outfit when she feels a cold breeze.  Reacting as most Time Bandits would her first reaction is to look around for Bossko B. or Viper.  Then she spots what appears to be snow under her wardrobe door.  Sure that this is no Bossko prank Trish opens the door to be hit by a cold wind.  Trish pulls aside her clothes only to see another hanger of clothes she knows was not there before.  Curious, Trish pulls aside these clothes, then some more, and some more.  Before she realises it Trish has walked deep into her wardrobe and soon the clothes become bushes and there is snow underfoot.  Trish turns around to go back, but there is no way back. 

"Great," Trish mutters to herself, "I push through layers of coats to get to Hoth and never picked one up."

Cold, lost and confused Trish soon hears a noise and sees a Taun Taun driven sleigh.  A dwarf drives the sleigh, and his mistress, a regal looking woman sits behind him.

"Hi," calls Trish, "Can you help me please?"

"Help an old slapper like you?" said the dwarf, "Ya' can fuk uff."

"Now, now," said the regal lady.  "Do ignore my driver."

"Don't yer ignore me ya' bitch!" shouts the dwarf.

"I can can help you," the lady continues.  "Unless, you serve... him!"

"Who?" enquired Trish.

"The false king.  The lion who would... no, I can say no more."

"Sorry?"

"She means Azlan," shouted the dwarf, "Ya' dumb fukkin' bint!"

The banter continued for a few minutes before the lady instructs her driver to drive on.  The dwarf snatches the reigns and the sleigh disappears into the snow blanketed forest.

Trish wanders the forest, growing ever colder.  She hears a noise, and steps and bumps into someone.  Feeling behind her she feels a thick fur, and as she turns she sees a giant lion standing upright.  

"You are lost stranger," says the lion in a booming, roaring voice.

"Let me guess," said Trish, "you're this Azlan fellow."

"I am Azlan, King of Narnia."

Bewildered, Trish listen to Azlan, and discovered that only by walking backwards around the magic tree three times could she get home.  So off she goes and finds the magic tree.  Trish tries to perform the apparent simple task of walking backwards around the tree, but she keeps tripping, falling into the snow.  On her fifth attempt Trish notices the tree roots moving, and deliberately tripping her.  Trish shouts at the tree in frustration, only for the tree to shout back, leading to a heated argument between Trish and the tree!  Trish eventually gives up and, in  a strop, decides to make a snowman. 

"Gosh, thank you for that," said the Snowman to Trish's surprise.

"Huh?"

"Thank you," the Snowman said again.  "You have no idea what it's like being scattered all over the ground like that.  If there is anything I can do to return the favour?"

Trish thinks about this, then explains her predicament, and that she needs to walk backwards around the tree.  Frosty, yes that's the snowman, agrees to help guide Trish.  As Trish walks around the magic tree for the third time a doorway opens.  Bidding Frosty goodbye Trish follows the stairs down.

Viper landed on a large soft cushion in the middle of a large plush lawn.  Ripley landed hard on the ground next to her.  

"Ow!" complained Ripley, "That hurt."

"I'm fine," smiled Viper getting up off her soft cushion.  They were in a garden, large and well kept.  In the distance tall flowers could be seen, and the opposite end a large well kept old house build of wood.  Viper instantly took off towards the house with Ripley close behind.

"Hello," shouted Viper banging the door hard continuously.  "Anybody at home.  Fee fi fo fum I've come to blow your house.  Helloooooo..."  Ripley tried the handle of the large ornate door.  The door was not locked and swung inwards.  Viper barged past into the modest entrance hall.  Ripley cautiously, and Viper without a care, explored the house.  There appeared nothing out of the ordinary at first.  A well kept house.  Then a few things started to stand out.  The light fittings were modern tech and a synth-plast stool stood in the corner of the kitchen.  There was a impressive hall, with a gold trimmed mirror filling the one wall, and the clothes in the bedroom were exotic.  The clothes were bright colours, more like robes, and had glittering emblems of moons and stars.  Suddenly there was a creek as a wardrobe door slowly opened and a figure stepped from it.  Viper launched herself at it a threw a punch to the face.  Trish, who was emerging from the wardrobe reeled from the blow.

"Arrgh!"  Trish moaned, "Viper!  It's me." Viper threw another punch catching Trish across the jaw before Ripley could grab her.

"It's Trish," said Ripley to the struggling Viper.

"It might not be," said Viper squirming, "It might be a demon."

"It's me Viper," assured Trish.

"Yeah, well a demon would say that.  They're sneaky."

"It's Trish," said Ripley.  "I can smell her scent."

"What?" said Viper screwing up her face, "Urgh!  You've been smelling Trish? Perv."  Ripley released her grip on Viper but still Trish raised her arms in reflex.  Bored of Trish, Viper went down to the cellar.  The power generator was odd to say the least.  A glittering orb of light over a meter in diameter seemed to be giving off the energy that powered the house.  It was hot and the Time Bandits though better than touching it.  Viper was the first to find the wine rack and immediately cracked open a bottle most expensive wine she could find.  There were several small store room littered with junk.  Then Viper found a room with four doors leaning against a wall.  Without reason Viper opened the first door and was pleased at the warmth.  Gazing through Viper could see an endless desert with twin suns overhead.  Odd, thought Viper, and she closed the door.  Leaning the door against another wall she opened the next only to be hit in the face with a freezing gust of wind and snow.  An explosion rocked the ground, an AT-AT neared and a Snowspeeder roared overhead with it's lasers exploding through the air but hitting the Imperial walker with apparent no effect.  Viper looked around and could see several soldier bearing the insignia of the Rebel alliance, with several Imperial Snowtroopers bearing down on them.  Armed with only the Bubble-Gum Gun Viper opened fire at the Imperials.  Two Snowtroopers hit the ground covered in pink bubble-gum giving the rebels time to react.  One of the Snowtroopers saw Viper, standing in what appeared to be a wooden doorway.  The trooper fired his blaster rifle but Viper slammed shut the door just in time.  "Damn that was cold," said Viper who was still in her nightshirt.  Undaunted.  Viper opened the third door.  This door opened into a dimly lit room.  Viper could see a dark metal superstructure and could hear a deep rasping breath. 

"Take your Jedi weapon," Viper heard an old cackling voice say.  "I am unarmed.  Strike me down with all of your hatred and your journey to the Dark side will be complete."  Viper peered around a corner and saw a tall man in black with a black mask, a smaller man also in black with blond hair and an old man in robes in a large chair before a viewport looking out into space.  For a moment Viper started to raise the Bubble-Gum Gun in her hand before she remembered the words of Balthazaar, the Time Lord head of the Celestial Intervention Agency, 'Interfere, and you will be held on charges of Time Treason.'  To interfere would be exactly in opposition to what the Time Bandits stood for. 

"You're just lucky Bossko's not here," shouted Viper as she slammed the door.  Aboard the Death Star the three men glanced across the room, sure they had all heard a voice, before the blond haired one reached out with the force and a lightsabre flew into his hands.

Back in the cellar Viper opened the forth door.  Suddenly Viper was blown out of the door as the door opened into the void of deep space.

"HELP!!!" scream Viper as she hung on to the door frame with her fingernails.  Ripley open the door into the room and had to react quickly herself, holding onto the door to the store room.

"What the hell have you done now?" growled Ripley.

"Just help me!"

Letting the alien in her take hold Ripley's concentrated, then, tentacles shot out of her nipples wrapping themselves around Vipers wrists.  Ripley pulled Viper back through the door and slammed it shut.

"You," scowled Ripley, "are a fucking disaster area!"  Viper stood there grinning inanely like a naughty schoolgirl before pushing past Ripley and running back up the stairs.

It is a time of uncertainty.  The Jedi have defeated the Sith at the Battle of Ruusan, but unknown to them, on an uncharted planet in the Mid Rim known as Mondeon to it's inhabitants, a thriving Sith Empire shies away from the galaxy.  The Sith Capital, a city built into the side of a mountain range, is a labyrinth of bustling streets.  Alchemists and Sorcerers sell their wares from shops, while in a secluded sanctum Lord Valderdarkk summons a servant, a warrior known simply as X.  

"Will go to the town and collect a special item for me," ordered Lord Valderdarkke.  "A mirror.  The owner of the antiques shop is expecting you.  Now go."  X nodded and left immediately on his errand, it would not be wise to dawdle when you have been commanded by one of the most powerful Sith Lords in the galaxy.  The streets were bustling with activity.  X was soon in the market district, traders selling goods from fruit to enchanted weapons.  X took a small passageway but soon found himself lost.

"Hey mutha-fukka!" called out a voice from behind him, "wanna buy some death sticks?"  X turned to see the familiar faces of the red and black skinned Vicious Vile and the white furred wookiee Darth Crush.

"Not today," answered X.

"Fuckin' bitch.  This spice will fuck you up," said the foul mouthed Vile.  X just looked at Vile in disbelief.  "What? What are you lookin' at me like that you fuckin' faggot. Well fuck you bitch, this mutha fukka don't smoke no fuckin' cock."

"I'm not gay," said X.

"Yeah?" said Vile, "That's not what I hear.  I hear you love the cock.  You're nearly as bad as this pole smokin' mutha fukka furball here."  The wookiee rolled his eyes and shook his head in disdain.

"Do either of you morons know where the antiques shop is?" asked X.

"Fuck yeah, just down the street here."

"Thanks."

"No fuckin' problem." Vile turn to Darth Crush.  "Come on you fuckin' cock smokin' bitch, I'm goin' down to the slave market t' see if I can pick up a couple of those fuckin' lesbian twi'lek bitchs.  I'll show them who's fuckin' horny!"

X soon finds and enters the antiques shop.  The items on display vary from old bookcases to ancient Sith lightsabres.

"This is what you have come for," says an old voice from the back of the shop.  The old shop keeper hobbles forward with the aid of a walking stick and indicates the mirror, currently covered in a white cloth.  "Wait here, I'll do get the datapad for you to sign."  With that the old man totters off to the back of the shop.

X curious pulled back the cloth to see his own reflection in the resplendent mirror.

"Now there's a sour faced son of a bitch," said his reflection.

"Huh?" was all X could muster.

"Ah, screw the theatrics," said his reflection.  His reflection reached out and grabbed X by the arm pulling him through the mirror.

The three Time Bandits exited the house, Viper now resplendent in one of the glittery purple gowns she had found.  Trish, Ripley crossed the lawn following Viper.  Viper frolicked across the lawn towards the giant flowers.  After a short argument with the giant talking flowers Viper headed off down yellow brick path through the woodland.  Soon the yellow brick road came to a crossroads where Ripley heard a noise coming from the side of the road.  In a small clearing Ripley saw a rusty protocol droid.

"I.. can't ... move," said the droid in a remarkably undroid-like voice.  Picking up a small oil can from the side of the droid Ripley loosened the droids limbs.

"What the hell has happened to me?!" said X.  "I am not a droid."

X told his story to Ripley who then noticed Viper.  Viper was behind Trish taking an unusual amount of interest in her.  

"What's going on?" said Trish spitting out some hay.  Looking down at herself Trish saw her body was now nothing more than stuffed hay, her hair was straw.

"THIS HAS GOT TO BE VIPERS FAULT!" boomed a powerful voice from down the yellow brick road.  Walking towards the group, dressed in a pantomime lion outfit was the Time Bandit Lord of Darkness, The Phenom.  Viper fell about with laughter.  

When the group had composed themselves they decided it best to try an find a way out of this world.

"Come on then," called Viper, "let's follow, follow, follow..."

"Viper," said The Cowardly Phenom, "don't you dare say it."

"Follow..."

"Viper."

"The..."

"I'm warning you!"

"Yellow.."

"Don't say it."

"Brick..."

"Last chance."

"Road," grinned Viper as she danced ahead.

"Why does no one never listen to me?" asked The Cowardly Phenom.  He got no answer because no one was listening.

Continuing down the road the party find a rusted up droid by the roadside.  As Trish looks closer it seems to be trying to move.  Trish picks up an oil can from the side of the road and oils the joints of the tin droid.

"Thanks," said the Droid, "I think?  What the hell has happened to me."

"It looks like you rusted up," answered Trish.

"Oh very funny.  I'm not a droid!  My name is X, and..."

"Oh don't even bother," interrupted the cowardly Phenom, "things are strange enough already.  Just come with us and we'll get this sorted out."

The party continued down the yellow path humming a familiar tune.  The Path got narrower, and all of a sudden the trees lashed out, their branches like claws.  Immediately the party retaliated, except the cowardly Phenom who, despite himself, ran away crying.  It didn't take Ripley long to tear apart the trees and soon the journey continued with the path opening into a clearing.  The grass was nearly cut, and in the middle of the clearing was a small fountain.  Thirsty, Trish took a sip of the water.  Upon doing so she heard a soft voice say, "Make a wish."  Not sure if this was for real or not Trish wished she was back to normal, and in an instant she was.

Trish told the others and Phenom and X were soon both back to normal.  then Viper took a sip of the fountain... make a wish.  The party looked at each other in despair as Viper uttered the words, "I wish... Bossko was here."

Suddenly their was a puff of green smoke followed by evil cackling laughter as the wicked witch Bossko appeared complete with broom and pointed hat.

"I'll get you my pretties..." cackled Bossko, "and your little Jawa too."  A Jawa materialised, screamed "ootinni" and ran off into the woods.

"Great.  Just what we needed," sighed Trish.  Fortunately for Trish Bossko jumped onto his broomstick and flew off.

"Cool," said Viper, then ran off down the yellow brick road.

After walking for around ten minutes the party found the road blocked by a high wall.  

"Look at all you peasants down there," called a voice from atop the wall.  The party looked up and saw a plump fellow sat on the wall.  He looked down then dropped something.  An egg.  The egg exploded as it hit the ground forcing the party to dive for cover.  "Take that, peasants," called humpty Dumpty from atop the wall.

Ripley simply drew her blaster and shot Humpty.  Humpty fell from the wall, breaking as he hit the ground.

"Cracking shot Rip," said Viper, "it was eggsellent."

Ripley glared at Viper.

"You really scrambled his brains."

"ENOUGH VIPER!" shouted Ripley.

Suddenly a doorway opened in the wall.  Looking through the party could see a long road leading up to a huge castle.  There was a puff of green smoke and wicked witch Bossko was back.

"cuz I'm bad, I'm bad, you know it, come on..." he was singing.  Ripley, Trish, Phenom and X ignored him and started towards the castle.  Viper started to dance to Bossko's singing.

Viper and Bossko soon caught up, with Bossko still singing, "...he came into your apartment, left bloodstains, on the carpet, Annie..."

Soon the party stood before the giant castle doors, and after the obligatory "Mine," from Viper a deep booming voice called out, "Beware the Door of Doom!*"  Everyone shrugged as the door opened like a drawbridge.  Bossko, Viper, Ripley and X managed to jump clear but Trish and Phenom were flattened by the door.  The squished Time Bandits, slightly dazed, managed to crawl out from under the door to find Viper in a fit of giggles.

"This is all your doing!" shouted the Phenom.

"Yeah, so?" said Viper, "Mr. Oh I'm the dead man I'm so scary, not."

With that the Phenom grabbed Viper by the throat, heaved her into the air and chokeslammed her to the ground.  

"And that's what YOU get for messing with ME!" said the Phenom.  He was soon interrupted by a heavy mechanical breathing.  Turning around the party saw they were all now faced with the Dark Lord of the Sith, Darth Vader.

"Oh you again," said Viper getting up, "didn't I kick your ass last time?!"

"You have trespassed in my lands," said the dark lord, "the penalty is death."  With that Darth Vader ignited his lightsabre and strode towards the group.  

The party got ready to fight, with their weapons suddenly appearing from nowhere.  Trish and X readied their blasters, Viper her mallet, Phenom his fist and Ripley her nipples!  Bossko was was still singing Smooth Criminal.  

The Melee began rapidly, X was soon taken down.  Trish cursed as one blaster failed, but it made no difference, Vader merely deflected her shots with his lightsabre, and even his hand.  Ripley and Viper put up the best fight while Bossko just danced, and Vader succumbed to several heavy blows.  But it was not enough.  The Dark Lord fought harder.  Viper managed to duck past Vader and throw his own cloak over his head blinding him.  The Dark Lord swung out his blade wildly and caught Viper across her mid section and the pink bit was down.  Vader threw off his cloak and hurled his attackers backwards.

"Boosko!" called Ripley, "We could really do with your help about now."

Bossko B. joined the fight using a lightsabre he had taken from Anakin Skywalker in an alternate timeline.  Bossko and Vader dueled but neither pressed home an advantage.  Bossko tucked the lightsabre away knowing he stood a better chance without a weapon, and the fight continued.  Trish and Ripley rushed Vader knocking him off balance.  As the Dark Lord regained his composure he turned around where the Phenom had been waiting, hand raised high.  The Phenom grabbed the dark lord by the throat, just as he had Viper moments earlier, and lifted him high before hitting Darth Vader with the Chokeslam!  Vader lay dazed on his back on the floor when Bossko went crazy.  Bossko hopped round in a circle while shouting, "W... O... R... M...!"  Bossko did three swan dives positioning himself by Vader, did three double sideways chops before shopping Vader across the chest, then doin a little moon walk singing, "so Anni are you okay, are you okay Anni?  So Anni are you okay, are you okay Anni?"

Vader was enraged by the attack.  He got to his feet and the clash between him and Bossko B. was fierce one.  Bossko got caught by the lightsabre, but from nowhere jumped into a powerful spinning roundhouse catching Vader across the side of the face.  Vader stumbled, before Ripley stepped up and lashed out taking down the Sith Lord.

The land faded.  X was now back in Mondeon City, while the rest were now safely back at Time Bandit HQ standing in the womens washrooms.

Bossko turned to Phenom, "You're in the girls toilets.  You're a girl."  Then he and Viper ran off down the corridor to try and cause more trouble!

"Bossko, I've got a great idea," said Viper, "let's go turn up Kane's pyro's. That will give him an inferno match!"

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* Door of Doom gag taken from Danger Mouse